Just a little vent session..

Kin Kommunity,

Vermont Kin As Parents values lived experience, so much so, in fact, that we are 100% staffed by people with lived experience. Today I come to you as one Kin caregiver to another, and I realize that this is a bit of a departure from what I usually post…...

I need to vent. After spending the majority of her life in my care (albeit, with a very involved Mom), my granddaughter moved back home. She still spent a decent chunk of time in my home, as this is what we decided prior to moving her back; she would set the pace of her transition home. She’s been mostly home for the last six or seven months now and while it hasn’t been perfect, it’s been alright. The reality of the “alright” is that my daughter and I have two wildly differing standards of care, this applies to many categories of child rearing and while I am definitely NOT saying my way is better, I will say that I find myself a bit shocked sometimes by what I see and hear. I struggle mightily with things like clothing choices, diet choices, priorities. I usually don’t say anything, and when I do, it is abundantly clear that my input is not welcome, which I get. 

Here’s the problem, I see the beginnings of a pattern of self sabotaging behavior starting on the part of my daughter, and I’m concerned that this will end much the way it has in the past…this leads to troubling questions that rob me of sleep. What will the psychological impact of separating from her mother be on the eight year old who has, in effect, had two mothers her entire life? Although on the surface, she understands that Mommy struggles with a sadness in her head that can sometimes get worse and then she needs to come stay with us, how does this impact the way she views her relationship with her mother, and indeed herself? Does she view herself as not wanted? Second to a mental illness? The cause of the illness itself? Oh my head!

Then come the more practical considerations, I’ll need to change my work schedule, which is doable (because VKAP is an awesome place) but it’s also guilt inducing. To be clear, no one there makes me feel guilty, I do it. I want to be dedicated to my job, and not a constant source of low level chaos. I also have a special needs young adult son, who was less than thrilled about having a small human with some behavior issues disrupt his routines, is this fair to him? Not to mention the impacts on a marriage, of course we both love our granddaughter and will do whatever needs to be done for her, but the reality is that shifting between grandparents who get to enjoy and then send home and parents who are the primary caregivers is not like flipping a switch, and there is a cost. Back to bedtime routines and days off from school, back to less time spent as a couple, back to juggling who takes what days off if she gets sick?

Groceries, electricity, clothing…all of those costs will increase again, and because our Kin arrangement is informal, those costs are out of pocket for us. We choose not to get Child Only Reach Up because Vermont will then pursue my daughter for child support and our goal is to help, not financially hurt. While I fully understand the state holding the parent accountable for some of their child’s care, my family doesn’t want our daughter to shoulder that burden as her family’s financial issues don’t need any more drain. That is a decision each Kin Caregiver needs to make for themselves.

 BLAH!! I really hate when my head gets packed too full of these issues! But, these are the hidden costs of Kinship Care, the costs that not many people talk about, but I will. Because I am certain I’m not the only one and I want other people with these questions to know; you aren’t either.

Thanks for listening Kin Kommunity, I appreciate you!

~ Jeana Lavallee, Wearer of many hats, Kin mom, Edie’s Gigi, Autism mom